The Monster In My Head!

The Monster In My Head!

The Monster In My Head!

-By Nilanjana Sen

It's like a black hole, it really is. I don't know as much about black holes though, but I feel like calling my lonely mind a black hole might be appropriate. Whenever I am alone, my mind starts sucking in all the good memories I have of a person and then for a moment, I have no memories left. You might ask me, "What about the bad ones?" Well, jeez, Sonya! If my mind were only ever clouded by the dark memories then I wouldn't be alive, would I? My survival depends on the existence of good times. But my mind takes away that right, too. Then slowly, but surely, it gives back those photos - only they are not the same anymore. They are covered with scratches, the corners are bent and half of them bear no similarities with what was - as if my mind tries to give me a completely different perspective. Something that I had never adopted before and something that makes me question the happiness I had attached to that particular moment.

I tried suppressing my negative emotions, I really do. I try to convince myself that the suspicions I am having a close friend or my partner aren't true. I try having a conversation with the dying sane part inside me but I fail. I fail. Even when I am roaring with laughter around my mates, in broad daylight, I am aware that my insanity is following me like a shadow. Even when I am home with my family, my madness creeps into our house through the backdoor and hides under my bed. This is why I ask my mother to check for monsters in my room, but she finds none. Yet when I enter my room, I see it waiting for me by the window. Then I run away from my own house. I run as fast as possible and as far away from familiarity as I can. I run away from myself until I can't run anymore. Until my body gets heavier by the minute and I fall right on to the feet of my insanity. Do you know what happens next? Oh, it's quite simple. I go mad.